It was always clear from the beginning that Arya would end up staying Arya; if only because popular Western entertainment is fueled by ego-driven narratives. But I'm getting ahead of myself: let's start with Lady Crane. Our master thespian is going through that thing where you realize that all of your co-workers hate you and the only way to get back at them is to be hypercompetent even when you know the work is bullshit. I totally did this at the deli I worked at in high school. It's clear that the talent imbalance is kind of throwing off the whole show at this point. But before she can give any serious thought to switching productions, Arya Stark stumbles back into her life with those fierce eyebrows and a hole in her gut. Crane stitches her back up and offers to give her a job with the company, presumably in the role of Sansa Stark, seeing as the last Sansa apparently slipped and got her face cut. A future of moldy wigs and genital warts and career-mandated Botox and two-dimensional female roles flashes before Arya's eyes and she's like "nah." Lady Crane gives her some milk of the poppy and this creepy music cue comes in and my first thought was, "Wait, is Arya about to become a junkie?" I still kind of like this as a Z-grade crackpot prediction. This One Wacky Game Of Thrones Online Fan Theory Will Change The Way You See Needles Forever.
While Arya sleeps, and Lady Crane rummages around for more drugs, The Waif shows up and ends her rather gruesomely (+20). What follows is a kind of ridiculous chase scene in which Arya, who is still bleeding and high as a fucking giraffe, manages to evade The Waif doing the best T-1000 impression this side of the Narrow Sea. I don't know how it's possible for a soulless killing machine to be hammy, but The Waif preordered this honeybaked with relish. Arya eventually lures her to a secret chamber and kills her in the dark (+30) — because she's capable of blind assassinry now, you know? She brings The Waif's face back to the HBW and Jaqen is impressed, but Arya is out of there — "A girl is Arya Stark of Winterfell, and I'm going home," she declares (+10). Hypercompetence amidst bullshit, etc.
The Hound (who was never dead and does not get any resurrection from the dead points) isn't hypercompetent so much as he is in possession of an axe. He axe-murders four nasty rogue Brothers Without Banners (Brotherhood Extra-Without Banners? +40) and chops the last one in the crotch, which means we got to see a shot of bloody guts falling out of a dick, I guess? This show! The guy won't tell him where Brother Ray's killer is, so he tells him, "You're shit at dying, you know that?" (+5) and finishes the job. Later he comes upon our old death-cheating buddies Beric Dondarrion and Thoros of Myr, who, if he were drafted, would have gotten some points for the sweet new manbun he's rocking. They let him kill two of the murderers they had strung up, though both we and The Hound understand this is much less satisfying than axe murder. Still, he gets another +20 and some new boots! Great week for The Hound. In all likelihood he'll be heading north to help the Brotherhood fight the walkers, which is bad news for the walkers and for anyone with any emotional investment in the fan theory formerly known as CleganeBowl.
And not just because he's going in the wrong direction — Cersei Lannister's trial by combat is officially off the table. Perhaps it wasn't so wise to show her hand by having The Mountain rip open the jaw of one of the Faith Militant's lackeys (+10, +5 for style), as it certainly seemed to prompt a rethinking of this (admittedly pretty silly) legal practice. Cersei may choose violence, but if nobody else does at the moment, she's going to need more violence. Like, a huge stockpile of violence. A huge stockpile of violence that Qyburnhappens to know the location of.
In Meereen, we get a minisode of my least favorite show: Tyrion Lannister & Friends. Once again we found the imp berating his tragically dull sidekicks into lightening up and eventually swapping jokes. (Tyrion's: too Westerosi! Missandei's: unfunny! Grey Worm's: accidental!) At this point Tyrion is Reese Witherspoon in the worst scene from Cruel Intentions, an otherwise perfect film.
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